Dear my boys

I know we are just totally sucking as your parents right now. There is so much we don't know, that we somehow should, and emotions we infuse into your atmosphere that you should not have to accommodate. Little ones, I am sorry that I struggle so to find my way as your mother. I want to be so good, I want to be the very best mother to you. Because my mother heart just overruns... splashes, spills, bursts, containing soooo much. Love for you. I hope you feel it.

      

Your little minds and hearts in our care...you are both so genuine, so sensitive, I find myself wanting to have these very grown-up talks with you, to explain why I can't do this and that, why I am so tired instead of playful. To have you really understand how sorry I am that I'm learning at such a slow pace, so rough around the edges. Instead I hug you incessantly, and tickle you and whisper "I love you" and, when I should, "I'm sorry"...you seem to understand that. Someday I'll be able to fully articulate but for now, my hugs and kisses and whispers will have to do. 

I hope, with all the hope that I can hope, that you both feel LOVED. Unequivocally. I pray that our love impacts you more than our ineptness and struggles. I'm praying for that love to be strong, to come through, to attach itself to your memory and be bigger than our total suckage right now.

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Please note that these are my feelings. E may not feel he sucks quite so badly --he probably doesn't, because he rocks so hard as a dad, while I struggle to be a mother. so he's not included here unless he wants to be. 

Comments

[mamaloo]

hey everyone. i hope you click into comments to see this. i had hoped to post a sort of "wrap it up, end of an era, goodbye to mamaloo.com" type of post, but my typepad account has been suspended for nonpayment and i don't want to pay for another month services just to log in one last time for one last post.

so it's hidden here in comments where i hope you'll see it.

there have been so many changes to our lives and i'm not in the same place i was when i wrote all of Mamaloo. there is of course much more to come, from a different place, with a different focus, and therefore i intend to start a new blog on a different blogging site (where it's free!). if you would like to be kept informed of where i have gone, please email me at heymamaloo@gmail.com and i will direct you to my new roost.

thank you, thank you, thank you to commenters and pleasant lurkers over the years. i lead a somewhat isolated life due to my surrounding circumstances and your words and thoughts of encouragement mean the world to me.

farewell to Mamaloo, and welcome to the new.

take care,

~mamaloo

[honeypiehorse]

Hey Cyb, this is lovely. I feel the same way, constantly whispering I love you to make up for all the things I do wrong.

[Little Lovables]

A lot of us moms have these feelings!!