I am not sure

(has anyone seen Idiocracy?)

I am not sure what direction to go with this blog anymore.

Mamaloo began as my chronicle of life with my first child. Like most new parents, I was excited and wanted to share my experience with my friends and family. I also hoped blogging would force me to write regularly, because I am a reluctant writer. I have a thousand ideas and concepts that nobody sees except the inside of my skull--the projection screen behind my eyeballs. I wanted to change that, and I hoped this blog would help me.

So I started this blog as a parenting blog, because that was my life at the time. I looked around at my peers, the other parenting blogs I read. I said to myself, oh! That's how you write a parenting blog, I see! And I was off. But...and now I am about to overgeneralize, forgive me universe...

It seems as if parenting blogs* in general strive for a jolly voice, a witty look at their parenting experience, their adorable children, and their perhaps enviable life. And seeing that, I think maybe I really wanted my life to be that, so when I wrote, that's what I shot for. I wanted to be jolly and cute and enviable. Fuck! Let's be honest, I've wanted to be that my whole life! But, I'm just not feeling that anymore. I'm not feeling the jolly, certainly not the cute, and something would be wrong if you were to envy me, if you knew my whole story.

So I can't write that blog anymore, because it's not who I am and how I'm feeling. And I'm not sure yet what I am feeling. I'm not the me I was a year ago. The me I am now is still forming and I'm not sure it's going to be pretty and I'm not sure the average reader is really going to want to hear it.

It feels a little strange to take this blog in a different direction. It may be more honest and more fitting to just start another one. However. I do think it's important that there be some voices in the blog world honestly documenting their parenting experience, their human experience. I mean honestly as in, tell the real story. Do you want to run away and never come back? I mean, really run away, and never come back? Have you been tempted to throw your baby out of your second floor window? Have you come reeeeeealllly close? Is the guilt of that more than you can bear? Are there days you can't stop crying? And are your friends losing patience with you?

Somebody needs to say these things, in print, somewhere. So that those of us who do feel those things can find them, and can maybe find relief, stop feeling so ashamed and alone.

I champion the cause of the struggling parent because y'all, I struggle a lot. Right now in fact I would even say I am struggling massively. There are reasons why, reasons I may or may not reveal here. I'm still sorting that out.

Whatever I decide, I promise to let you know.

And now, I am rambling. And so I shall say goodnight. 

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* Right now, let me say that I am completely out of touch with the blogging world, I have not read someone else's blog except Perez Hilton's for like 2 years, maybe things have changed and maybe my head is entirely up my ass. This I fully cop to. Read with a grain of salt.

Comments

[Allegra]

hi - this is the first time I've ever read your blog, and I've only read this first entry, and I'm compelled to write and say, 'Yes, please write about it all!' I love Anne Lamott because she wrote about all her feelings about motherhood, not just the shiny, happy ones. As someone who is entering parenthood for the first time, I think it's really important to know that it isn't all roses, and that others are sharing that struggle (as well as the joys). ok, sorry this is so long - whatever you decide, I wish you well.

[Nan]

Hello, I found your blog via someone else's blog and after reading a few of your entries, I bookmarked it for future reading. I love your honesty and please continue to write. I like to know what kind of struggles and day to day interaction you have with your child. No one is perfect and I have yet to meet a parent whose life is happy 24 hours a day. So please do not stop your blogging and share your stories. Also, this is your blog, you have the right to write whatever you want. Didn't you start this blog to document your life? Have a great weekend.

[leslie Van Every]

How crazy--I am reading Anne LaMott myself right now.

I am a new mother and I have to agree, so many of the parenting blogs out there are very jolly. I wish I was like that too.

But this mother thing is freaking hard. And that combined with working a full time job is so much tougher than I thought possible.

I am actually in the process of changing my own blog from crafting to wanting to craft because I have no time for it. My blog is kidna like therapy for me.

I can't wait to read more.

Take care,

- Leslie