Scratch that

The thing about having kids--or maybe, the thing about having these kids--is that the vision never matches reality. Or, reality never lives up to the vision. No matter how many times I live it, I am still surprised to find that my vision and reality exist in different universes entirely.

It's never how I think it's going to be. I don't know how many times it has to happen before it sinks in. I'm three years into this madness and I still expect it to be different. I expect to be able to take my banshees into a restaurant AND eat a meal there. I expect to be able to attend a friend's bbq AND eat a meal there. AND converse with someone besides my children or husband for more than ten seconds at a time. But it N E V E R  H A P P E N S.

It's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

Tonight, we drove over into the SW part of town on an errand. We rarely go there, and some dear friends live there. We were passing by and I've wanted E to see their house, because it's fabulous and such a perfect expression of C, the mistress of the house, with whom E and I used to work. They were work pals and rarely get to see each other. C and I were work pals too--when I was single, before E was a part of my life, I would give C rides home from work and she'd ask me in for a glass of wine, and we'd drink and talk about work or what was going on in our hearts or our hopes for ourselves and our futures. It was a time in my life that had no schedule or agenda. I had no-one to go home to. Often, C's husband J was out, working or at school, so she'd be alone at home had I not stayed. It's hard to say who needed who more, but we were there for each other. Those are some of the sweetest times with a friend that I can remember. I treasure my memories of those times like I treasure C and her J.

So that's what I had in mind when I spontaneously called them as we were passing their house, to ask could we stop by? I wanted them to see the boys, and I wanted E to see their house, and in my mind, these things would happen all orderly-like. We'd arrive, the boys would be cute, C and J would show us their lovely house, their newly remodeled floor. And we'd admire, and talk for a minute, pet the doggie, promise to get together soon and leave. It would be composed, controlled, enjoyable.

Instead? We were a living commercial for reasons not to have children. It was insanity! Mayhem! Loo grabbed C's computer mouse and began to navigate through whatever work document she had open. He ran from appliance to appliance testing the power buttons. He wanted out. He wanted in. He barked at their dog, who was beyond excited at our presence and could not contain himself. We spent every single second there, intervening and instructing. Little hands were everywhere! The noise level! The energy level! J, C's husband, said to me "so, it's like this? is it like this all the time? aren't you, you know, going crazy?" in the way of someone who works in medical, for whom the term "crazy" is not an adjective. You get the feeling J really knows the meaning of crazy and that's what he was asking me and the answer is YES. I am going crazy. Yes, it is like this all day long and you bet, I'm going CRAZY crazy. That kind. The real kind.

If you want kids, but don't have them yet. I want to assure you, and reassure you, you have SO MUCH right now. So much that will be gone when the little ones come. Peace, quiet, sleep, accomplishment, leisure, travel, all these things will be GONE. In their place? Some crazy. So don't hurry too much. Enjoy those glasses of wine, those slow talks on summer evenings in the back yard with good friends. You won't know you'll miss them 'til they're gone.

Comments

[Green]

Do you ever fly? Despite not drinking, we have wine here, and my house is very quiet and calm. You're welcome any time.

[Lila04]

When I saw this... I thought of you.
http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/ver/223/popup/index.php?cl=4274384

[mamaloo]

lila04, omg! that was awesome, i sent it to all my mama friends. thanks for the link!

[momochan1974]

I always have feelings of trauma when I read posts like this, because there was a long time when I would be in exact situation with my girls. I could never just relax, I was always running this way and that, and just stressed out. But I have to tell you when my little one turned 4, things changed. It still is a struggle, we have our moments but for the most part I have myself back, my mental space back, a social life, we are able to go out (and fly) with relative ease. There is hope Mamaloo! But I feel your pain and honestly know that the baby days almost pushed me over the edge!

[Rachel]

I'm 10 weeks pregnant right now. At the weekend my husband and I figured that neither of us has so much as changed a diaper. We're in so much trouble...

[marilyn]

Oh, yes, I do identify with this! We thought life with one child was just fine, so we opted to do it again -- and got twins who individually and collectively have been MUCH more demanding than their older sister ever was (or is). OMG! I have been so bummed at times, and have really longed for peace and quiet and time to self and, yes, a sense of accomplishment. One cannot eat, talk or focus with kids around -- as you have discovered. A sane mom is a much more fun mom, so schedule those playdates for yourself!

[Min]

I've been there - noy only are you exhausted and embarassed but you fear your friends will never want to see you again - at least at their house.

On the plus side, they often find it funny and can't beleive their luck to be child free - they see you so their life seems calmer and they appreciate it more.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world - as much as we love them, we have little control, it can be boring, and no-one says thank you.

But would we go back to life without them, probably not. Although I do dream about it sometimes and then wake up to feet in my face or one of them asking whether it's time to get up yet.

In my experience they less you look like you are concerned about their actions they less they get out of control. They are sent to test patience and if they don't get a response they do something else instead. Happy Parenting

[Deidre]

I have three; 19 years, 13 years, and 2 1/2. Yes, I have been there done that, and I am doing it again with the 2 1/2 year old. But let me say that before you turn around twice, they will be grown and you will be missing these years. Yes! Yes you will. You don't think you will, but you will. I can't believe that my oldest is an adult already it seems like only yesterday she was a wee one saying, "Mama, hold your baby". I relish the moments, although trying with my 2 1/2 year old. I cherish every moment and I know that when we are having a rough day, and I feel like I am going a bit crazy, I remember how quickly these year get away. And I realize that one day, my arms will be empty and I will have hours and hours on my hands to do what ever it is that I want. So when I feel I am on the edge, I close my eyes and thank God that He entrusted me with this wonderful gift of my child. And I take a chill pill and relax, and say, "this too shall pass!"

[missingyou]

MamaLoo I am missing you. I read through your archives and have to admire your style of writting and henesty. I loved every second of every word you have written down. Hope you are all doing well and things have settled down for you a bit. XOXO.