More and more I'm feeling like this boy I am carrying is the last one.
I'm surprised at myself for feeling this way. Both E. and I were raised in families of 3, and 3 kids has always been my mental model for a family. I've always thought I'd have "at least 3" but that was before I had any. Before motherhood spotlighted my limitations and more or less kicked my ass.
Now that I'm more of a realist, I am thinking, 2 is enough for me.
E. and I are older-ish. I'll be having my second child at 38. Given a realistic 2-year waiting period to bring #3 on board, that would mean having another child at 40+. I'm in perfect health and I think my body would handle it fine. It's my psyche I'm more concerned about. I'm not sure I want to be 40 and having 3 little ones, one a newborn.
So I'm feeling like this is the last time I will be pregnant. I'm feeling like maybe it's my destiny to mother 2 boys and no girls.
And yeah, that makes me a little sad. If I reflect on it and really examine my feelings, I am probably a lot sad. Of course I've dreamed of a daughter. Someone to pass on the strong womanhood I got from my mother. A girl, then a young woman, to nurture and guide into self-confident, compassionate, creative maturity. What would she look like? What would she be good at? What would she be afraid of? Who would she become?
Stopping at 2 means I will not answer these questions in this lifetime. Does that make me sad? Yes, it does. It does. And yet I still think we're done.
But I confess there's something about 2 that bothers me and I'm trying to come to terms with. It's just so...American to have 2 kids. So standard. I can't help it, the rebellious artist in me doesn't want to be so common as to have 2 children. Mom, Dad, 2 kids, dog. So textbook. Having 3 breaks that up, expands the horizons beyond the "2.5 kids" mold or something. In my mind anyway.
But 3 means bigger cars, houses, bills, time commitments. I don't know that we're up for that. Right now I don't think I am. And I'm both relieved and sad, as I admit to this right now.