Hmmmm. Wonder why I'm so tired?
6:05 am. Awake to sound of tiny voice saying: "Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?"
6:10 am. Groggily thank the gods for another hour of sleep as E. gets up and takes Loo downstairs for breakfast.
7:30. Even more groggily, curse the gods when awakened by E. and Loo standing by my bedside, E. to hand-off Loo and Loo to attack me for his first breast-feeding of the day.
7:31. Breast-feed the monster while half-asleep, hoping against hope he'll take a long time and then perhaps fall asleep again so I can sleep longer.
7:36. Loo stops nursing, attempts acrobatic manoever off bed that requires my full supervisory attention. It is clear he will not be napping any time soon. Must now forsake the dream of more sleep. Get up and face the day.
7:37-8:30. Fruitlessly hope Loo will play by himself so I can climb back into bed and watch from there. No go. Sleepily read child-proffered board books, play "Wakka-wakka" on demand, show Loo cartoons on the computer. Watch forlornly as my "backup" (E.) readies himself to walk out the door.
8:31. Offer to drive E. to work if he'll buy me breakfast through the Starbucks drive-thru. Ulterior motive: taking Loo to playground so as to wear out for morning nap.
8:40. Drive E. to work.
8:55. Arrive playground. Marvel that I am even awake at this hour, much less dressed (?) and at a playground with my child.
9:00-10:30. Tag after Loo as he crawls around exploring and eating small rocks and leaves. Swing him in the swings. Count minutes until morning nap.
10:35. Carry Loo to car, strap in and head home to put him down for nap.
10:37. Drive. Observe sleepy Loo in rearview mirror. Race against drooping eyelids begins. Drive more frantically, watch eyelids in rearview, calculate how many minutes I have to get him home (no break for me if he sleeps in the car.)
10:38. Lose eyelids race. Curse the gods. Text-message E: "Lunch at 11?"
10:39-11:00. Drive to and park at E.'s work. Read in car while Loo sleeps in backseat (consolation prize).
11:00. E. arrives to join me.
11:00-11:10. Drive to restaurant.
11:10-11:15. Wake Loo, gather ammunition (toys and other distractions) and prepare to enter restaurant. Hope for best.
11:15-11:50. Have nice lunch with Loo and E. Leave large tip to apologize for huge mess under highchair.
11:55. Drive E. back to work. Drop off, go on to Babies R Us to buy Loo socks and warm pajamas.
12:15. Arrive Babies R Us. Place Loo in shopping cart. Hope for best.
12:18. Loo grabs items off racks as we pass. Select some toy and attempt to interest him in it (so as to retain him in shopping cart while I shop).
12:19. Loo drops toy, attempts to climb out of cart. Pick up toy, hand back.
12:19:11. Give up. Unstrap Loo and carry him on hip while also manoevering shopping cart.
12:20. Loo wriggles to indicate he wants down on the floor. Acquiesce.
12:20-12:35. Follow Loo around and help steer as he pushes shopping cart through store. Sweetly return knowing smiles from other parents.
12:36. Loo crashes cart in furniture department. Pick him up and place him in floor-model crib. With peripheral vision, keep eye on him playing there. Quickly shop nearby racks for needed items.
12:38. Remove Loo from crib and place on floor. Loo crawls to crib's matching dresser/changing table and tests all drawers and doors. With peripheral vision, keep eye on him playing there. Quickly shop nearby racks for needed items.
12:40. Chase after Loo who has taken off into infant clothing dept and is pulling baby hair accesories off rack. Allow him to continue, rationalizing that it's a freakin' baby store and they should be used to endless reshelving of floor-level items. Besides, he's happy and I need something 10 feet away.
12:41. Return. Pick up Destructo-Loo and place in shopping cart. Attempt to distract him into playing with the items I've selected, so I can look through the pajamas.
12:43. Loo loses interest in shopping cart items and begins to pull pajamas off racks and screams when I stop him. Time to move.
12:44. Investigate toddler toy dept. Discover Truly Frightening Baby Product #297, grab cell-phone camera and document.
12:46. Loo melts down. Mentally weigh the possibilty of grabbing last few items anyway. Meltdown continues, intensifies. Abort mission and check out.
12:53. Leave Babies R Us. Contemplate what the hell to do with the rest of the day. Realize with excruciating clarity that 4.5 hours remain before E. comes home.
12:54. Decide to go home. Hope that Loo's fussiness heralds an oncoming nap.
1:15. Arrive home. Attempt to engage Loo in self-entertainment with toys so I can check e-mail and make some phone calls.
1:16. Loo crawls over and tries to reboot the computer.
1:16:13. Disallow. Pick up kicking and screaming Loo and attempt to redirect to another object.
1:16:20. Loo crawls over and tries to grab the keyboard.
1:16:22. Disallow. Pick up kicking and screaming Loo. Presume he is ready for a nap. Decide to chance a breast-feeding for the big payoff (we are weaning and I'm trying to only breastfeed before naps and bedtime).
1:23. Loo pulls off breast and attempts to slide down off the bed, signaling that he wants to play. Suddenly Not Sleepy. I have been punked. Resist urge to toss Loo through window.
1:24-2:00. Attempt to work on computer/make phone calls while fending off meddlesome advances of small child.
2:00. Give up in frustration. Take Loo downstairs for snack.
2:00-2:15. Feed Loo snack. Re-attach bib he rips off endless times. Resist urge to force-feed him said bib after about the 5th time. Instead say sweetly but firmly, "No, leave it on Loo."
2:16. Snack over. Free Loo from bib and highchair. Clean up destruction.
2:20-3:30. Attempt to get us ready to leave house again for grocery store. Countless interruptions/interventions as Loo "gets into stuff".
3:30. Abandon trip to grocery store. Now officially brain-dead. Concentrate on survival for next two hours.
3:30-5:30. These two hours last about a day. Just get through them, then blot them from memory.
5:30. E. walks through door. SALVATION.
Next day: Repeat All.